But that's okay. I have what is in my heart, and that is all that counts.
And because this blog is, very simply, a reflection of the things on my heart, I will dig in deep and share with you, in words, about my God Who is still in the business of healing and freeing the souls of men and women. My God Who specializes in REDEMPTION. My God Who so gently shows me how very ungrateful I often am, and how much I really have.
Last night I had the privilege of representing this ministry and going with my family into a women's prison here in Montgomery, Alabama. We had not been to this particular prison in three years, and we were so excited when we heard that it was on "our list" for this year, as it is one of our favorites. =)
Every year I think I understand. I think I understand what I have, how blessed I am, and all of that. And yet every year without fail I have to fight falling apart when I get up in front of that room full of women. Now, you have to understand that I am not an emotional person. At all. I have a very strong personality, and qualities like gentleness and compassion are ones that I have to work on daily. They do not come very naturally for me.
I honestly only cry about once a year. And that once a year is the night I sing in a women's prison. Being in prison and seeing so much pain up close and personal like that, gets to my heart like nothing else. It breaks me and touches the deepest parts of my heart.
Our first song was "Almighty God". I've always loved this song but last night it hit me in a whole new way when we got to the second verse:
"Well time marches on, with the innocence gone,
and the darkness still covers the earth,
But His Spirit still dwells, and He speaks 'IT IS WELL'
and the hopeless still offered new birth,
He will break the leash of death, it will have no sting,
let the prisoner go free, join the dance and sing!"
As I was singing those words and looking out over that crowd of prisoners the message hit me like a ton of bricks:
INNOCENCE GONE
DARKNESS STILL COVERS THE EARTH
HIS SPIRIT STILL DWELLS
HOPELESS STILL OFFERED NEW BIRTH
HE WILL BREAK THE LEASH OF DEATH
LET THE PRISONER GO FREE
JOIN THE DANCE AND SING
then the tears began to come, as I thought of how exactly this verse applied to the lives of these women. It was obvious just by looking at their faces that some had experienced that new birth. but there were also faces that were covered in darkness, spiritually speaking. there were those that were bound by the leash of death, and then there were those that had broken free and were literally fitting right into the dancing and singing category. =)
Trying to sing and keep from sobbing at the same time wasn't easy, especially when I could hear my sister and mother's voices quivering as well and I knew that they were having the same struggle I was. And then came the chorus again:
"Almighty most holy God, faithful through the ages,
Almighty most holy LORD, glorious, almighty God."
and I was awed anew at the thought that this ALMIGHTY GOD has placed me in the world's best family, given me a beautiful life, saved my soul, and blessed me in every way imaginable. I deserve no different than any of those prisoners. My sin is just as great as theirs. I could have so easily been one of them, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD.
Just thinking of all this was overwhelming.
later, I sat back along the side and observed their faces as my little siblings sang for them. I cried just watching them. There were women who were shaking with laughter one minute at Rebecca's expressions, and sobbing into multiple tissues the next. The pain and joy mixed on their faces was so raw, so deep. I watched them just drink in the sight and sound of little faces and voices, and then I saw their cutting pain as they remembered that they had once had this joy of children but had lost it because of the decisions they had made, that had gotten them to the place that they were at.
As I played the invitation hymn I watched the women getting out of their seats and coming down the aisle to get saved. I could hear them praying and weeping as they knelt all around the front and cried out to Jesus. I felt the peace that just settled like a mist over that whole front area. I saw the joy in their faces when they got up and returned to their seats. I really can't describe it, but it is the most amazing thing to watch.
After we got back and were eating dinner with the other volunteers and singing groups, one of the volunteers told us he wanted to meet with our family. As we gathered around he began to read a letter to our family. It was a letter he had been given earlier in the day, by an inmate who came to our service at his prison three years ago. In the letter the inmate told us how he had always stayed away from God/Christian services and things like that, but that particular night that we came to his prison he decided to come out. In his letter, he told us how God had used Rebecca to touch his heart and show him his need for a savior. He told us how he got saved that night, and how he still reads his Bible every day and is living strong for Jesus.
touching lives like this-it is so worth it. so worth the homesickness, the little petty trifles that I have to give up to be on the road. I think I sacrifice? My sacrifice is nothing. Just thinking how Jesus sacrificed so that I CAN KNOW HIM, puts it all into perspective and I see how blessed I am to just be in His service.
Honestly there is no place I'd rather be this week. Prison ministry has been one of the greatest blessings in my life and I am eternally grateful to my Jesus for showing me His heart for these prisoners, and giving me the opportunity to share His truth with them.
The joy it gives me is indescribable, and I am so grateful.
-chels
